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No Escape

The day the law went into force
Decreeing prohibition,
I took the wiser, safer course,
And bowed in meek submission.
“I can’t drink soda-fizz,” I said,
“The stuff seems to hydraulic;
I’ll go to buttermilk instead,
For that’s non-alcoholic.”

Each day I drank a gallon can,
It really cheered and warmed me,
But then a scientific man
Who lived next door informed me,
That buttermilk was but a bluff.
“Beware,” he said, “my brother,
You’re drinking alcohol enough
To make one beat his mother!”

I turned to water for a while,
Distracted by his chiding,
And said with a pathetic smile,
“I now am law abiding.”
“You still are full of alcohol
That nature has supplied you,”
Said he, “you haven’t quit at all,
You’re making it inside you!”

“Each hour without a pause or stop
A tiny trickling river
Of alcohol comes, drop by drop
Exuding from your liver!”
He proved that what he said was true
By figures tried and tested,
And now I don’t know what to do
But have myself arrested!

From The Oklahoma City Times, August 5, 1919. By James J. Montague.

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